Life is like a box of chocolates...

On Friday night, I went to listen to hear Glennon Doyle Melton speak.  She has a book out, Carry On Warrior.  Minimize this page, open a new one, and go and buy it.  It is awesome.  ;)  She is real and I really thought she was up on stage speaking about my life, minus a few things.  She was a bulimic and alcoholic.  If any of you have seen my butt, there is nothing bulimic about me.  She spoke about HOPE and if I had to describe my life since last August, HOPE would be one of the top three.  I believe life is like a box of chocolates.  No, not the Godiva chocolates where everyone is perfect and good.  I am talking about the Whitman's box of chocolates.  The big box of chocolates that have all the assorted chocolates in there.  Some are good, some are ok, and some you squeeze and all of this mess squirts out (just like in real life situations) and you throw it in the trash and run away from it.  Don't act like you don't do it.  I get lots of these boxes as a teacher for Valentine's day, Christmas, etc. whenever kids don't know what to get, I get a box of chocolates.  Now don't get me wrong, if you have a student in my class right now, keep them coming.  I save them in a special drawer or hide them in another teachers' room so I don't eat it all in one day.  The good chocolates are the good days we have in life.  The ok chocolates are pretty much the daily life we shuffle through and the bad chocolates are the ones that you squeeze and all the junk comes out.

Anyways, after hearing the Glennon Doyle Melton speak on Friday, she spoke about being real.  All of us have those "real" friends.  The ones that know your dirt and will not say a thing to anyone and you in return know the same about them.  I thought about how true friendships start.  I don't mean the ones that you know from the soccer field or work that just know a little about you.  I mean the ones that you would have come over when your house looks like a tornado ran through it, you have no makeup on and maybe not a bra, and haven't brushed your teeth.  I can count on my two hands those "real" friendships that I have.  Honestly, that's all I want.  I will take a few more only if they are real, but if I can't get real with you, I will keep smiling and saying I am fine.

Over the past seven months, I have experienced some interesting things.  I have watched people I barely know come in and out of my life and that is fine.  Thanks for being there.

I truly believe that when you are honest, wonderful things happen.  I am not one to hold something in if it is bothering me, but I hate confrontation.  I will avoid it like the plague.  If you hurt my feelings, I put it in the back of my head and try to analyze why you hurt me. I had said earlier in a Facebook post that I am not talking about being dramatic, gossip queens where we run around and talk about people and put them down or air your dirty laundry to everyone. I am talking about being real with others.  Stop putting on a show where life is perfect because it is not.  I always have had a red flag about when people portray their marriages, kids, work, and life as perfect.  I back off quick.  So, I have put together an honest list of things that I feel you should know about me.  If it scares, just back off.  It is the true me.  I am not fine everyday.  Life sucks some days and lately they have sucked more than not, but like I said earlier, "Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get a nasty, gooey mess."

What really bothers me is the following things:
1) Someone coming up to Joel and I, tilting their head, an immediately look of depression runs through their body and they ask, "How are you?"  and then a sweet smirk frowns back at me.  REALLY!  If anyone knows us, we are not depressing people.  We love to have block parties in our neighborhood, the more the merrier please.  Our daughter, Ella, is a complete social butterfly.  With all of the snow days, she immediately wakes up and asks what we can do.  We also need our family time too.  For a while I wanted to buy an open and closed sign to put on our door to just have some time for us.  I am not saying we were not appreciative or grateful for all that we received because that was just awesome.  I am just saying, we need to have time as a family.
2)  I know God has a plan and some people think things happen for a reason.  I am a strong believer in God.  I am a christian and I do believe I am going to heaven when I die.  Do not try to tell me otherwise because I know I am.  If you believe something different, I hope I still see you in heaven.  Please do not remind me about God's plan or reasons.  I know He is in control, but it doesn't help me stop missing my son.  It actually frustrates me.
3) Time is not going to make me stop missing my little boy.  I have just learned to manage my pain.  Teaching third grade at Meadowlark has been my saving grace.  I have an awesome class this year.  Getting up everyday has given me a reason to move forward.  There are those days those when I get up and I am pissed.  I see a little boy walk down the hallway with the same shoes that Breiner wore or that same outfit that he had.  I have a mini break down, get myself together, and continue to teach. The WHAT IF'S run through my head and just make me more upset.  What if I did not let Breiner play with his friends outside that day? Well, that is not how Joel and I parent.  It is normal for 15 kids to be outside down our street on a hot summer day.  What if I let him go and get Mason Ickes like he asked me five minutes before he was in the accident?  Breiner loved Mason. I actually watch Mason and think whatever he is doing right now, Breiner would be tagging along behind him.  I have learned that when you loose a loved one, try to remember the good memories, not just the last days of their lives that make you sad.  Way easier said than done though.  I know.
4) I also get a lot of, YOU ARE STRONG.  This doesn't bug me or aggrevate me, but sometimes I think, I really DO NOT see myself as strong.  I see myself as a complete hot mess, who is just going through life like everyone else.  I feel a strong person has everything together like their marraige, their weight, household chores, etc. I hate doing laundry.  Hate it.  I hate doing chores and I hate having to help Ella with her homework.  I teach all day.  I do not like coming home to play school.  I know that shocks some of you.  I do LOVE my job, but I also LOVE me time.  It is ok you can call me selfish.  I can take it.  ;) I kinda wish that there was a life fairy.  That life fairy would handle all of my chores that I do not want to do, help Ella with her homework, call the insurance agents about all of Breiner's endless medical bills (that just opens up a scar that is trying to heal everytime I call), and all of the other junk I do not feel like doing.  So back to being strong.  I think you are dealt with life situations.  I have been through many things that I used to say what I would do if the situation happened to me.  Believe me, you will not respond that way and you will do the complete opposite.  So think before you get in your circle of friends are talking about someone.  They are probably just handling a situation how they feel is right for them.  I have had a lot of ADVICE come my way on getting meds to help me cope, counseling to get through things, how to keep my marriage strong through the journey of losing a child, and what to do with Ella.  I have been on meds previously for anxiety and depression and don't need them now.  Thanks, but I am aware of when I do need them.  About the counseling, I know a lot of them personally.  Been to several and honestly real friends help me more than paying someone.  Now, let me clear this up.  There are wonderful counselors out there in the world and if you are having trouble with life, go find one.  QUICK!  I can make recommendations.  ;)  I have also had someone tell me of the statitics of a marriage staying together after you loose a child is very low.  Oh, really? Thanks, but my marriage is not a statistic and actually Joel and I are stronger now than we ever have been.  About my sweet Ella. Joel and I have a way we want to parent Ella.  The things we want to teach her and the morals we want to instill in her before she leaves the nest.  Getting good grades is great, but in my book, I want her to be an all around good person, love and know God, and treat others with love and respect. Advice is great, but it gets old and honestly she seems to be doing ok.  Yes, we all can parent better, but we are doing the best we can.
5) People deal with grief differently.  For me, I was in shock for a couple of months.  During the accident, I did not even think we needed an ambulance.  SERIOUSLY!  Breiner was like Superman to me.  That kid would crash and get right back up.  Joel knowing all of the medical knowledge that he does knows immediately knew that Breiner was in great danger.  By the way, if you ever need for your child to go to a hospital, Brenner's is the one.  The doctor's and nurses there are unreal.  I watched them work as a team through out the night on Breiner.  I gained so much respect for my husband that night and knew that somewhere in heaven is a special place for these people.  They have wings under their scrubs.  (Joel seriously does now.  He has a tatoo of a cross with angel wings on both sides with Breiner's initials in it.  We have never been ones to run to a tatoo place, but it is amazing. Those artist are true artist to me. Anyone who can take a drawing and put in on your skin and make it look awesome is amazing to me.)  They were so determined.  Please do not ask me to meet you there though.  I still am not Brenner Bound.  It takes all I can to ride by there.  Many friendships have developed since then and many of them were the ones that took care of him on that day.  Joel immediately grieved.  Ella's perception on heaven is amazing to me.  I wish she did not have to learn it like this, but her heart has been molded into something I never could have done alone.  It has been a God thing.  I spent several months in shock and then rolled over one Sunday morning and was a HOT MESS!  I mean a HOT MESS.  No, I was not strong that day.  So, I have learned that people grieve differently and we should not judge the stage that they are in.  Some days you just want to cuss and even make up cuss words.  I have a few friends who I just text cuss words too.  It makes me feel so much better sometimes.  I even like to clench my teeth together and put a mean face on and say cuss words.   On a different note, we have a bible study on Monday nights in our neighborhood.  These girls are awesome.  If you don't have one or are not in one, start one.  Send me a message and I will tell you how ours got started.  It is not the type where we say, "Ok? Everyone turn to Mark.  QUICK!  Tiffany, are you there yet?"  (No, hold on.  I gotta find my tab.  I know it is in the New Testament and then I start singing this song in my head about the books of the bible.)  It is not like that at all.  We either pick a book or watch a video that goes with the book.  We are real. We talk about real life and talk about God things and how they influence our lives.  We have made a pack that what we talk about stays there and some really TRUE/REAL friendships have formed.  It is kinda like my other FREE COUNSELING session.  Oh, and you can wear your pajamas.  I try to wear my HOLY pants when I can.  They have a whole in the ..., you know where.  I won't sew them up now because they are my Monday night, bible study, holy pants. (I wear them only if they are clean because remember, I hate laundry.)

I guess my point is, is that the journey that I have been on is all about how you deal with the battles you are given to fight.  Life is tough sometimes and no, it will not be easy, but in the end you when you gain your angel wings, you will realize, YES God did have a plan and it did happen for a reason (maybe), but right not everyone is probably dealing with something that is big to them.  It may not be the death of a child, it may be a friendship that is not going well, a yucky marriage (get help for that), your kids may be going through something that is not wonderful that you wish you could change, but I bet that one friend that seems like everything is fine is going through a hard time right now.  Happy Sunday and may your friendships bloom like wildfire.

I'd love to hear how your friendships grow if you open up, but like Glennon said, "I don't want to be responsible for them."