As Joel and I sat in with our Hospice grief counselor, she said that the hardest times may be the first and the unexpected. By that she meant, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first Easter, his first birthday, etc. We have hit our marks that mark each month of when he went to heaven and they have been extremely hard, but what hits us the hardest is the unexpected. It is his best friends you see out and watching them grow up, his favorite shirt that is worn by another kid that runs by on the playground, pictures you see that capture his personality. Those are the moments that hurt. Many people say everyone grieves differently and they do. Joel, Ella and I have all grieved differently. It also does not get better with time, you just learn how to manage your pain better. We have learned that that is ok and to not judge anyone because they cannot help how they feel. For weeks I was in shock and very numb. I told many friends and family that I just felt that he was at school or camp and that I would go and get him soon. I have felt every emotion from being sad, angry, asking God, "WHY?," and being very confused. I woke up in tears one morning wondering if Breiner felt pain and if there was anything that I could have done to change the outcome. In the end, Joel continues to remind me that God called Breiner home and there was nothing that we could have done to stop HIM. We have certain songs that remind us of him and feel comfort in listening to them as we drive home to Elizabeth City or listen to them while getting ready each morning to go to work. There were a few that Joel downloaded right before Breiner's accident that seem so weird to me.
1) Don't Go Away by Oasis
2) Sister by Nixons
3) I Miss You by Incubus
(You can you tube them and listen the words.)
I see many people post things daily on Facebook about what they are thankful for. I sit back and think to myself, what am I thankful for. I guess I could sit around and sulk because Breiner is not here, but that will do nothing but put me in the hole and make me go crazy. I miss him so bad it hurts, but I hear that heaven is an unimaginable place and I find peace in that knowing that one day Breiner will meet me in heaven. I am thankful for my amazing neighborhood of friends who have took our family under their wings and have given us support and strength to get through the hardest days of our lives. I am thankful for our family that has been there for us and loves us unconditionally. I am thankful for my class full of sweet angels. I know that they had to have been carefully chosen because they are amazing this year and have been a healing hand to me and do not even know it. I am thankful for Brenner's Children's Hospital for doing everything they can daily to keep kids alive. They are definitely hard workers and will fight until the end. They definitely have a special place in heaven. It has made me really appreciate Joel's job a lot more. I am thankful for sweet Ella. She has definitely been our saving grace since the accident. She keeps us going and keeps us moving. Last but not least, I am thankful for Joel. If anything good has come out of this, Breiner's accident has pulled our marriage closer together than we have ever been. When I am up he is down and we he is up I am down and I believe that has been very helpful for both of us. We lean into each other when we hurt and pull each other out of the rut when he have to.
I have come across two encouraging things that have helped us this month.
1) Romans 8:18 The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming.
2) I recently got a bracelet for a friend that as a quote on it that says, "Your life is made up of two dates and a dash. Make the most of the dash." Loved it, so I got myself one too.
I have decided that until my last date is made, I will make the most out of my dash with my family and friends. As we approach tomorrow with being one of our "first," I have decided to just take the feelings that come and to be thankful for what I have here on earth because I know tomorrow can be taken away so quickly from us. So, please be thankful for what you have and make the most out of your dash.
