Treasures

On the morning of Friday, August 16, 2013, I got up feeling lazy, but decided it was a good day to go into school and get some things done in my classroom because the next week was full of teacher workdays and all kinds of things to do.  If you are a teacher or know a teacher, you know those days are sacred.  You also get jittery when another school year is about to start.  

In the meantime, I got Breiner up and he really was wanting me to pick him up for lunch because Mallory got to do that a lot.  Mallory, is a sweet, adorable little girl in his four year old class.  Inside my mind, I did not want to start that because I knew it would become something that he would expect me to do and I just could not fill that role of bringing him a happy meal when he wanted me to.  I finally explained to him we would go for breakfast.  So, in the meantime, he had earned something from the prize box at preschool.  GOLDEN COINS!  To him, that meant, you could buy real stuff with them.  Score! He brought home a handful of golden coins earlier in the week.  I think he thought it was real money.  

As I took him through the drive through at McDonald's I told him that this was only for special occasions.  I could not do this every morning because we run late EVERYDAY!  :)  Yes, everyday!  No matter how much I get ready the night before, we run late.  He ordered pancakes and an orange juice.  He told me he wanted to pay for his breakfast with his golden coins.  He actually called them, "My special coins!"  Little did I know later that day would be the last day I would ever take him through the drive through at McDonald's.  Breiner's seat sat directly behind me in the car, so when we pulled up to the window I leaned back and handed the guy my credit card hidden under the bag of coins.  I told the guy that Breiner wanted to pay for his pancakes with his coins.  I was winking at him at the same time and he caught on.  He swipes my card and then leans back so Breiner cannot see him and mouths to me, "You want them back?"  I shake my head and tell him that he can keep them.  

He gets his breakfast and then eats what he can in the car on our way to preschool.  When we got to his preschool he ran inside and told his teachers what he had done.  He walks right in to his class and begins playing.  Any other day, he screams and kicks and wants to come with me.  Not on this day!

Later that day was when his accident happened.  I found these "treasures" (golden coins) a few days after his accident.  The ziploc bag was full of them.  I have saved a bunch and gave a few away to my immediate family.  These coins now sit in my jewelry box with some of my most special jewelry given to me through out my years.  By far, this is the most special thing to me.

Thinking about these, I remember taking my kids to bible school when they were really little and they learned this song:
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal,  but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6: 19 - 21.

I do have my treasure (golden coins) to hold onto until I die, but I am not storing up my treasures here on earth.  I am waiting until the day God calls me home, so I can run to my sweet little treasure and hold him again.  

You'll Get Through This

After returning this week from a trip to Key West with Ella and Joel and then attending the Women of Faith conference in Charlotte, I have seen this passage by Max Lucado several times.

You will get through this.
It won't be painless.
It won't be quick.
But God will use this mess for good.
Don't be foolish or naive.
But don't despair either.
With God's help, you will get through this.  Max Lucado

As the air gets cooler and we all start to hibernate inside, everything around us, (socially) calms down.  The summers around my house are filled with kids, hours at the pool, sun tanned bodies, flip flops, bags full of snacks and drinks and endless wet towels from the pool to wash.  Those days are gone until next summer and then we will do it all over again.  I remember our last visit to our neighborhood pool.  It was very different than any other.  On a normal day, Breiner would be diving off the diving board jumping in and swimming to the side only to continue that routine over and over again.  Thanks to Katie Styles, he learned to swim without a life jacket this past summer.  The last day he spent at the pool was very different than his normal visit.  The pool has two large bricked areas that house many plants.  Butterflies swarmed these areas daily.  On this particular day, Breiner would stalk the butterflies only to grab them, scream at me telling me he got one and then let them go.  He did this countless times.  I remember Joel coming home from a case that he had done earlier that day and stopping by the pool.  He just ran in to say hi to Ella and Breiner and then ran home.  I remember Breiner catching his last butterfly and yelling, "Mom!  Take a picture and send it to Daddy."  So, of course, I did.  He then let the butterfly go and then we went home to continue our daily adventures of me just making sure he did not hurt himself.  He was such an active child.  The only thing I regret about chasing him around was that I still cannot figure out why I am not a size 2.  I was constantly on the go.  :)  Now looking back, I realize that Breiner's life kind of symbolizes him catching those butterflies, watching them trying to fly away and then releasing them.  Breiner's life on earth and the butterflies scattering around the flowers  are alike in many ways.  We run around trying to find the right "flower" only to find one and then run off to another one thinking "life is better somewhere else and wanting more."  As Breiner caught the butterflies and they flew away, I feel like the butterflies symbolize us not knowing what eternity in heaven is like.  We are unsure, may try to get away, but soon as we are set free and realize how wonderful it is and fly away far from the bricked area with potted flowers high up in the sky.  We are then set free.  Until we are set free, I believe that loved ones who have lost someone that means the world to them can only have hope that:
We will get through this.
It will be painful.
It won't be quick.
God WILL use this mess for good.
We can't be foolish or naive.
We cannot despair, but know with God's help, WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

(This was the last picture I took of him at the pool catching the butterflies that day.  It is not very clear, but you can see the butterfly in his hand.)  

                                                             

HOW THE SECOND BAR CAME TO BE!

On March 13, 2009, Joel "Breiner" Deonanan entered this world ready to go.  For his four years on earth, he lived life to the fullest.  He loved to play with his friends, fish and hunt.  On Friday, August 16, 2013 he was in an accident that I unfortunately saw happen along with my neighbor and her daughter.  Breiner went through many procedures that Joel, our neighbors, our friends and other doctors prayed would pull him through.  God had a different plan for him.  He left earth with Joel and I by his side telling him that we loved him so much.  As we walked out of Brenner's Hospital amazed at how much the doctors, nurses, our friends and family supported us.  I was numb for several weeks thinking that Breiner was at camp or preschool and that we would soon be back to get him.  It has not been but over the past few weeks where reality has hit and hit hard.  It's the small things that remind us of him.  A child's smile, shoes that one of my student's wears that he had the same pair, a picture, something in the grocery store, the list goes on.  Even though Joel and I know that he is in a wonderful place, we also want to hold him and cuddle with him.  We used to yearn for the days we could get a break and just sit in the quiet.  Now, we yearn for the days for our house to be loud, our days to be crazy busy and our chores to go unfinished.  As we planned Breiner's celebration of life, my dad wrote this letter to him and this is the beginning of how The Second Bar got started.

The Second Bar.......

Hey Breiner,
If I know you, you've already got a couple of lines in the water, so I won't keep you too long. Just got to thinking about last Thanksgiving when we went deer hunting. You could hear the dogs coming and knew the deer were just ahead of them. When they came out in the field, you were so excited. "Shoot, Paw Paw, shoot!" I explained to you that we were just after the boy deer. After awhile you understood and knew what we were looking for. No deer that day, but we still had a good time. Later that afternoon Santa made a surprise visit. You, Ella, Neil and Mack were so excited, but your real love was fishing. Our last trip to the beach was extra special with all the family being there. Some met you for the first time. You were catching them two at the time. Everbody up and down the shore was thinking, what is he doing that I'm not? When you reeled them in, you said, "I'll take them off." I asked you if you were saving them? You said, "No, throw them back." You showed me that you could have just as much fun catching and releasing as you could filling up a cooler. It has taken me 50 years to figure that out. I see now that maybe you were saving them for me later. We talked about all the fish being out on the second bar, but we couldn't get to them. Well, I know that's where you are now. Just remember when you see me standing on the shore trying to cast out to that second bar, send some in a little closer for me. I know when we meet again you will show me all the good spots. See you on the second bar buddy.
Love,
Paw Paw  
P.S. I'll bring more bait.