Life is like a box of chocolates...

On Friday night, I went to listen to hear Glennon Doyle Melton speak.  She has a book out, Carry On Warrior.  Minimize this page, open a new one, and go and buy it.  It is awesome.  ;)  She is real and I really thought she was up on stage speaking about my life, minus a few things.  She was a bulimic and alcoholic.  If any of you have seen my butt, there is nothing bulimic about me.  She spoke about HOPE and if I had to describe my life since last August, HOPE would be one of the top three.  I believe life is like a box of chocolates.  No, not the Godiva chocolates where everyone is perfect and good.  I am talking about the Whitman's box of chocolates.  The big box of chocolates that have all the assorted chocolates in there.  Some are good, some are ok, and some you squeeze and all of this mess squirts out (just like in real life situations) and you throw it in the trash and run away from it.  Don't act like you don't do it.  I get lots of these boxes as a teacher for Valentine's day, Christmas, etc. whenever kids don't know what to get, I get a box of chocolates.  Now don't get me wrong, if you have a student in my class right now, keep them coming.  I save them in a special drawer or hide them in another teachers' room so I don't eat it all in one day.  The good chocolates are the good days we have in life.  The ok chocolates are pretty much the daily life we shuffle through and the bad chocolates are the ones that you squeeze and all the junk comes out.

Anyways, after hearing the Glennon Doyle Melton speak on Friday, she spoke about being real.  All of us have those "real" friends.  The ones that know your dirt and will not say a thing to anyone and you in return know the same about them.  I thought about how true friendships start.  I don't mean the ones that you know from the soccer field or work that just know a little about you.  I mean the ones that you would have come over when your house looks like a tornado ran through it, you have no makeup on and maybe not a bra, and haven't brushed your teeth.  I can count on my two hands those "real" friendships that I have.  Honestly, that's all I want.  I will take a few more only if they are real, but if I can't get real with you, I will keep smiling and saying I am fine.

Over the past seven months, I have experienced some interesting things.  I have watched people I barely know come in and out of my life and that is fine.  Thanks for being there.

I truly believe that when you are honest, wonderful things happen.  I am not one to hold something in if it is bothering me, but I hate confrontation.  I will avoid it like the plague.  If you hurt my feelings, I put it in the back of my head and try to analyze why you hurt me. I had said earlier in a Facebook post that I am not talking about being dramatic, gossip queens where we run around and talk about people and put them down or air your dirty laundry to everyone. I am talking about being real with others.  Stop putting on a show where life is perfect because it is not.  I always have had a red flag about when people portray their marriages, kids, work, and life as perfect.  I back off quick.  So, I have put together an honest list of things that I feel you should know about me.  If it scares, just back off.  It is the true me.  I am not fine everyday.  Life sucks some days and lately they have sucked more than not, but like I said earlier, "Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get a nasty, gooey mess."

What really bothers me is the following things:
1) Someone coming up to Joel and I, tilting their head, an immediately look of depression runs through their body and they ask, "How are you?"  and then a sweet smirk frowns back at me.  REALLY!  If anyone knows us, we are not depressing people.  We love to have block parties in our neighborhood, the more the merrier please.  Our daughter, Ella, is a complete social butterfly.  With all of the snow days, she immediately wakes up and asks what we can do.  We also need our family time too.  For a while I wanted to buy an open and closed sign to put on our door to just have some time for us.  I am not saying we were not appreciative or grateful for all that we received because that was just awesome.  I am just saying, we need to have time as a family.
2)  I know God has a plan and some people think things happen for a reason.  I am a strong believer in God.  I am a christian and I do believe I am going to heaven when I die.  Do not try to tell me otherwise because I know I am.  If you believe something different, I hope I still see you in heaven.  Please do not remind me about God's plan or reasons.  I know He is in control, but it doesn't help me stop missing my son.  It actually frustrates me.
3) Time is not going to make me stop missing my little boy.  I have just learned to manage my pain.  Teaching third grade at Meadowlark has been my saving grace.  I have an awesome class this year.  Getting up everyday has given me a reason to move forward.  There are those days those when I get up and I am pissed.  I see a little boy walk down the hallway with the same shoes that Breiner wore or that same outfit that he had.  I have a mini break down, get myself together, and continue to teach. The WHAT IF'S run through my head and just make me more upset.  What if I did not let Breiner play with his friends outside that day? Well, that is not how Joel and I parent.  It is normal for 15 kids to be outside down our street on a hot summer day.  What if I let him go and get Mason Ickes like he asked me five minutes before he was in the accident?  Breiner loved Mason. I actually watch Mason and think whatever he is doing right now, Breiner would be tagging along behind him.  I have learned that when you loose a loved one, try to remember the good memories, not just the last days of their lives that make you sad.  Way easier said than done though.  I know.
4) I also get a lot of, YOU ARE STRONG.  This doesn't bug me or aggrevate me, but sometimes I think, I really DO NOT see myself as strong.  I see myself as a complete hot mess, who is just going through life like everyone else.  I feel a strong person has everything together like their marraige, their weight, household chores, etc. I hate doing laundry.  Hate it.  I hate doing chores and I hate having to help Ella with her homework.  I teach all day.  I do not like coming home to play school.  I know that shocks some of you.  I do LOVE my job, but I also LOVE me time.  It is ok you can call me selfish.  I can take it.  ;) I kinda wish that there was a life fairy.  That life fairy would handle all of my chores that I do not want to do, help Ella with her homework, call the insurance agents about all of Breiner's endless medical bills (that just opens up a scar that is trying to heal everytime I call), and all of the other junk I do not feel like doing.  So back to being strong.  I think you are dealt with life situations.  I have been through many things that I used to say what I would do if the situation happened to me.  Believe me, you will not respond that way and you will do the complete opposite.  So think before you get in your circle of friends are talking about someone.  They are probably just handling a situation how they feel is right for them.  I have had a lot of ADVICE come my way on getting meds to help me cope, counseling to get through things, how to keep my marriage strong through the journey of losing a child, and what to do with Ella.  I have been on meds previously for anxiety and depression and don't need them now.  Thanks, but I am aware of when I do need them.  About the counseling, I know a lot of them personally.  Been to several and honestly real friends help me more than paying someone.  Now, let me clear this up.  There are wonderful counselors out there in the world and if you are having trouble with life, go find one.  QUICK!  I can make recommendations.  ;)  I have also had someone tell me of the statitics of a marriage staying together after you loose a child is very low.  Oh, really? Thanks, but my marriage is not a statistic and actually Joel and I are stronger now than we ever have been.  About my sweet Ella. Joel and I have a way we want to parent Ella.  The things we want to teach her and the morals we want to instill in her before she leaves the nest.  Getting good grades is great, but in my book, I want her to be an all around good person, love and know God, and treat others with love and respect. Advice is great, but it gets old and honestly she seems to be doing ok.  Yes, we all can parent better, but we are doing the best we can.
5) People deal with grief differently.  For me, I was in shock for a couple of months.  During the accident, I did not even think we needed an ambulance.  SERIOUSLY!  Breiner was like Superman to me.  That kid would crash and get right back up.  Joel knowing all of the medical knowledge that he does knows immediately knew that Breiner was in great danger.  By the way, if you ever need for your child to go to a hospital, Brenner's is the one.  The doctor's and nurses there are unreal.  I watched them work as a team through out the night on Breiner.  I gained so much respect for my husband that night and knew that somewhere in heaven is a special place for these people.  They have wings under their scrubs.  (Joel seriously does now.  He has a tatoo of a cross with angel wings on both sides with Breiner's initials in it.  We have never been ones to run to a tatoo place, but it is amazing. Those artist are true artist to me. Anyone who can take a drawing and put in on your skin and make it look awesome is amazing to me.)  They were so determined.  Please do not ask me to meet you there though.  I still am not Brenner Bound.  It takes all I can to ride by there.  Many friendships have developed since then and many of them were the ones that took care of him on that day.  Joel immediately grieved.  Ella's perception on heaven is amazing to me.  I wish she did not have to learn it like this, but her heart has been molded into something I never could have done alone.  It has been a God thing.  I spent several months in shock and then rolled over one Sunday morning and was a HOT MESS!  I mean a HOT MESS.  No, I was not strong that day.  So, I have learned that people grieve differently and we should not judge the stage that they are in.  Some days you just want to cuss and even make up cuss words.  I have a few friends who I just text cuss words too.  It makes me feel so much better sometimes.  I even like to clench my teeth together and put a mean face on and say cuss words.   On a different note, we have a bible study on Monday nights in our neighborhood.  These girls are awesome.  If you don't have one or are not in one, start one.  Send me a message and I will tell you how ours got started.  It is not the type where we say, "Ok? Everyone turn to Mark.  QUICK!  Tiffany, are you there yet?"  (No, hold on.  I gotta find my tab.  I know it is in the New Testament and then I start singing this song in my head about the books of the bible.)  It is not like that at all.  We either pick a book or watch a video that goes with the book.  We are real. We talk about real life and talk about God things and how they influence our lives.  We have made a pack that what we talk about stays there and some really TRUE/REAL friendships have formed.  It is kinda like my other FREE COUNSELING session.  Oh, and you can wear your pajamas.  I try to wear my HOLY pants when I can.  They have a whole in the ..., you know where.  I won't sew them up now because they are my Monday night, bible study, holy pants. (I wear them only if they are clean because remember, I hate laundry.)

I guess my point is, is that the journey that I have been on is all about how you deal with the battles you are given to fight.  Life is tough sometimes and no, it will not be easy, but in the end you when you gain your angel wings, you will realize, YES God did have a plan and it did happen for a reason (maybe), but right not everyone is probably dealing with something that is big to them.  It may not be the death of a child, it may be a friendship that is not going well, a yucky marriage (get help for that), your kids may be going through something that is not wonderful that you wish you could change, but I bet that one friend that seems like everything is fine is going through a hard time right now.  Happy Sunday and may your friendships bloom like wildfire.

I'd love to hear how your friendships grow if you open up, but like Glennon said, "I don't want to be responsible for them."

MAKING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR DASH

As Joel and I sat in with our Hospice grief counselor, she said that the hardest times may be the first and the unexpected.  By that she meant, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first Easter, his first birthday, etc.  We have hit our marks that mark each month of when he went to heaven and they have been extremely hard, but what hits us the hardest is the unexpected.  It is his best friends you see out and watching them grow up, his favorite shirt that is worn by another kid that runs by on the playground, pictures you see that capture his personality.  Those are the moments that hurt. Many people say everyone grieves differently and they do.  Joel, Ella and I have all grieved differently.  It also does not get better with time, you just learn how to manage your pain better.  We have learned that that is ok and to not judge anyone because they cannot help how they feel.  For weeks I was in shock and very numb.  I told many friends and family that I just felt that he was at school or camp and that I would go and get him soon.  I have felt every emotion from being sad, angry, asking God, "WHY?," and being very confused.  I woke up in tears one morning wondering if Breiner felt pain and if there was anything that I could have done to change the outcome.  In the end, Joel continues to remind me that God called Breiner home and there was nothing that we could have done to stop HIM.  We have certain songs that remind us of him and feel comfort in listening to them as we drive home to Elizabeth City or listen to them while getting ready each morning to go to work.  There were a few that Joel downloaded right before Breiner's accident that seem so weird to me. 
1) Don't Go Away by Oasis
2) Sister by Nixons
3) I Miss You by Incubus
(You can you tube them and listen the words.)

I see many people post things daily on Facebook about what they are thankful for.  I sit back and think to myself, what am I thankful for.  I guess I could sit around and sulk because Breiner is not here, but that will do nothing but put me in the hole and make me go crazy.  I miss him so bad it hurts, but I hear that heaven is an unimaginable place and I find peace in that knowing that one day Breiner will meet me in heaven.   I am thankful for my amazing neighborhood of friends who have took our family under their wings and have given us support and strength to get through the hardest days of our lives.  I am thankful for our family that has been there for us and loves us unconditionally.  I am thankful for my class full of sweet angels.  I know that they had to have been carefully chosen because they are amazing this year and have been a healing hand to me and do not even know it.  I am thankful for Brenner's Children's Hospital for doing everything they can daily to keep kids alive.  They are definitely hard workers and will fight until the end.  They definitely have a special place in heaven.  It has made me really appreciate Joel's job a lot more.  I am thankful for sweet Ella.  She has definitely been our saving grace since the accident.  She keeps us going and keeps us moving.  Last but not least, I am thankful for Joel.  If anything good has come out of this, Breiner's accident has pulled our marriage closer together than we have ever been.  When I am up he is down and we he is up I am down and I believe that has been very helpful for both of us.  We lean into each other when we hurt and pull each other out of the rut when he have to. 

I have come across two encouraging things that have helped us this month. 
1)  Romans 8:18 The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming.
2)  I recently got a bracelet for a friend that as a quote on it that says, "Your life is made up of two dates and a dash.  Make the most of the dash."  Loved it, so I got myself one too. 

I have decided that until my last date is made, I will make the most out of my dash with my family and friends. As we approach tomorrow with being one of our "first,"  I have decided to just take the feelings that come and to be thankful for what I have here on earth because I know tomorrow can be taken away so quickly from us.  So, please be thankful for what you have and make the most out of your dash. 

Treasures

On the morning of Friday, August 16, 2013, I got up feeling lazy, but decided it was a good day to go into school and get some things done in my classroom because the next week was full of teacher workdays and all kinds of things to do.  If you are a teacher or know a teacher, you know those days are sacred.  You also get jittery when another school year is about to start.  

In the meantime, I got Breiner up and he really was wanting me to pick him up for lunch because Mallory got to do that a lot.  Mallory, is a sweet, adorable little girl in his four year old class.  Inside my mind, I did not want to start that because I knew it would become something that he would expect me to do and I just could not fill that role of bringing him a happy meal when he wanted me to.  I finally explained to him we would go for breakfast.  So, in the meantime, he had earned something from the prize box at preschool.  GOLDEN COINS!  To him, that meant, you could buy real stuff with them.  Score! He brought home a handful of golden coins earlier in the week.  I think he thought it was real money.  

As I took him through the drive through at McDonald's I told him that this was only for special occasions.  I could not do this every morning because we run late EVERYDAY!  :)  Yes, everyday!  No matter how much I get ready the night before, we run late.  He ordered pancakes and an orange juice.  He told me he wanted to pay for his breakfast with his golden coins.  He actually called them, "My special coins!"  Little did I know later that day would be the last day I would ever take him through the drive through at McDonald's.  Breiner's seat sat directly behind me in the car, so when we pulled up to the window I leaned back and handed the guy my credit card hidden under the bag of coins.  I told the guy that Breiner wanted to pay for his pancakes with his coins.  I was winking at him at the same time and he caught on.  He swipes my card and then leans back so Breiner cannot see him and mouths to me, "You want them back?"  I shake my head and tell him that he can keep them.  

He gets his breakfast and then eats what he can in the car on our way to preschool.  When we got to his preschool he ran inside and told his teachers what he had done.  He walks right in to his class and begins playing.  Any other day, he screams and kicks and wants to come with me.  Not on this day!

Later that day was when his accident happened.  I found these "treasures" (golden coins) a few days after his accident.  The ziploc bag was full of them.  I have saved a bunch and gave a few away to my immediate family.  These coins now sit in my jewelry box with some of my most special jewelry given to me through out my years.  By far, this is the most special thing to me.

Thinking about these, I remember taking my kids to bible school when they were really little and they learned this song:
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal,  but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6: 19 - 21.

I do have my treasure (golden coins) to hold onto until I die, but I am not storing up my treasures here on earth.  I am waiting until the day God calls me home, so I can run to my sweet little treasure and hold him again.  

You'll Get Through This

After returning this week from a trip to Key West with Ella and Joel and then attending the Women of Faith conference in Charlotte, I have seen this passage by Max Lucado several times.

You will get through this.
It won't be painless.
It won't be quick.
But God will use this mess for good.
Don't be foolish or naive.
But don't despair either.
With God's help, you will get through this.  Max Lucado

As the air gets cooler and we all start to hibernate inside, everything around us, (socially) calms down.  The summers around my house are filled with kids, hours at the pool, sun tanned bodies, flip flops, bags full of snacks and drinks and endless wet towels from the pool to wash.  Those days are gone until next summer and then we will do it all over again.  I remember our last visit to our neighborhood pool.  It was very different than any other.  On a normal day, Breiner would be diving off the diving board jumping in and swimming to the side only to continue that routine over and over again.  Thanks to Katie Styles, he learned to swim without a life jacket this past summer.  The last day he spent at the pool was very different than his normal visit.  The pool has two large bricked areas that house many plants.  Butterflies swarmed these areas daily.  On this particular day, Breiner would stalk the butterflies only to grab them, scream at me telling me he got one and then let them go.  He did this countless times.  I remember Joel coming home from a case that he had done earlier that day and stopping by the pool.  He just ran in to say hi to Ella and Breiner and then ran home.  I remember Breiner catching his last butterfly and yelling, "Mom!  Take a picture and send it to Daddy."  So, of course, I did.  He then let the butterfly go and then we went home to continue our daily adventures of me just making sure he did not hurt himself.  He was such an active child.  The only thing I regret about chasing him around was that I still cannot figure out why I am not a size 2.  I was constantly on the go.  :)  Now looking back, I realize that Breiner's life kind of symbolizes him catching those butterflies, watching them trying to fly away and then releasing them.  Breiner's life on earth and the butterflies scattering around the flowers  are alike in many ways.  We run around trying to find the right "flower" only to find one and then run off to another one thinking "life is better somewhere else and wanting more."  As Breiner caught the butterflies and they flew away, I feel like the butterflies symbolize us not knowing what eternity in heaven is like.  We are unsure, may try to get away, but soon as we are set free and realize how wonderful it is and fly away far from the bricked area with potted flowers high up in the sky.  We are then set free.  Until we are set free, I believe that loved ones who have lost someone that means the world to them can only have hope that:
We will get through this.
It will be painful.
It won't be quick.
God WILL use this mess for good.
We can't be foolish or naive.
We cannot despair, but know with God's help, WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

(This was the last picture I took of him at the pool catching the butterflies that day.  It is not very clear, but you can see the butterfly in his hand.)  

                                                             

HOW THE SECOND BAR CAME TO BE!

On March 13, 2009, Joel "Breiner" Deonanan entered this world ready to go.  For his four years on earth, he lived life to the fullest.  He loved to play with his friends, fish and hunt.  On Friday, August 16, 2013 he was in an accident that I unfortunately saw happen along with my neighbor and her daughter.  Breiner went through many procedures that Joel, our neighbors, our friends and other doctors prayed would pull him through.  God had a different plan for him.  He left earth with Joel and I by his side telling him that we loved him so much.  As we walked out of Brenner's Hospital amazed at how much the doctors, nurses, our friends and family supported us.  I was numb for several weeks thinking that Breiner was at camp or preschool and that we would soon be back to get him.  It has not been but over the past few weeks where reality has hit and hit hard.  It's the small things that remind us of him.  A child's smile, shoes that one of my student's wears that he had the same pair, a picture, something in the grocery store, the list goes on.  Even though Joel and I know that he is in a wonderful place, we also want to hold him and cuddle with him.  We used to yearn for the days we could get a break and just sit in the quiet.  Now, we yearn for the days for our house to be loud, our days to be crazy busy and our chores to go unfinished.  As we planned Breiner's celebration of life, my dad wrote this letter to him and this is the beginning of how The Second Bar got started.

The Second Bar.......

Hey Breiner,
If I know you, you've already got a couple of lines in the water, so I won't keep you too long. Just got to thinking about last Thanksgiving when we went deer hunting. You could hear the dogs coming and knew the deer were just ahead of them. When they came out in the field, you were so excited. "Shoot, Paw Paw, shoot!" I explained to you that we were just after the boy deer. After awhile you understood and knew what we were looking for. No deer that day, but we still had a good time. Later that afternoon Santa made a surprise visit. You, Ella, Neil and Mack were so excited, but your real love was fishing. Our last trip to the beach was extra special with all the family being there. Some met you for the first time. You were catching them two at the time. Everbody up and down the shore was thinking, what is he doing that I'm not? When you reeled them in, you said, "I'll take them off." I asked you if you were saving them? You said, "No, throw them back." You showed me that you could have just as much fun catching and releasing as you could filling up a cooler. It has taken me 50 years to figure that out. I see now that maybe you were saving them for me later. We talked about all the fish being out on the second bar, but we couldn't get to them. Well, I know that's where you are now. Just remember when you see me standing on the shore trying to cast out to that second bar, send some in a little closer for me. I know when we meet again you will show me all the good spots. See you on the second bar buddy.
Love,
Paw Paw  
P.S. I'll bring more bait.